Clear Space

There is nothing like clearing and changing your space to bring about renewal of the spirit. Sometimes in Spring, Sometimes in Fall, sometimes the New Year. Whatever the occasion, it is a great gift to give yourself. One that requires focus and energy but costs nothing and will make you and your house very happy indeed!.....So to my kids room and my living room, I say , thank you and your welcome...and I can't wait to hang out in your gracious, healing, calming space ...and to send my children to bed and to play in a clean, clear, joyful place.

I love my sweet, little, perfect home!

Oh, Here I am

Hi.

Here I am.

Back from the dizzy spin of summer.

Fabulous, sweet, wonderful in so very many ways....and totally shocking to my system which had become used to still, peaceful time in which I could care for my home and self and a stillness in which I could actually hear myself, feel myself, see myself.

So, we return to the sweet, sweet rhythm of the school year. Something I am understanding now in a deep way. The children were so ready. They are so happy to have their own space as well. Their own friends and identities. Their own battles to figure out without the shadow of a mother over their shoulder. The pride that comes with that.

I am recovering from an end of summer ass kicking and I finally feel like a human with full capacity to breathe in all ways. I am so excited for all that I will learn this school year. So happy with my life. It is like I emerged from the salty swim of summer to realize that I live on a really, really rockin' beach, with one hell of a view. I feel ready to run around with my hands in the air screaming with joy at the life I have created. I am so very happy to be here and so filled with gratitude!

Namaste

Summer Mom

I take a quick moment to be here. With myself. and am grateful and full and connected. Yes, I still exist...and await my return to long hours of meditation.....until then...hot summer fun with sweet, loving children!

New Moon

A clean house, and relaxed mind as I enter into the flurry of this afternnoon. It feels like it has been a while since I grounded myself properly. Well, it feels good and on this new moon I guess that will be my intention....to care for myself as well as I care for my family this summer!

home

Nothing like walking in to your home bone tired and collapsing.

Especially when you LOVE your sweet, home!!!

Thank you house, thank you home...now off to dream land for a good 10 hours in our cozy bed!

almost here

stripes of color....pink, blue, yellow

a true flow, no thought here.....wondering what will appear

what will surface in this empty, white page.

I am excited at the prospects of playing with what I have built.

Spending time with these sweet people that arrived.

Grown, with their own ideas and opinions and experiences to share.

I delight to watch their faces light up as I give them my full attention.

The irony in this is that as I typed that last line, I was called, twice, loudly and then looked up to find two children in the doorway, far past bedtime, interrupting my idyllic post about them. How very funny is that?

Perfect now, that I sit in a pint sized wooden chair at their doorway as I finish typing. The glow from my laptop becoming the night light.

The dog is barking outside, so loudly there is no chance of slumber and I surrender...I think of that new book that has taken parents by storm ...you know the one...go the f#&* to sleep. The one that would be offensive to pregnant first timers.. and absolutely hysterical to seasoned, exhausted vetrans.

I am so grateful for it all and really, I am looking forward to this summer with all of it's sides...sweet, fun, exhusting, infuriating, beautiful, hot, sandy and long...I embrace this year...the summer that our boy is 7, still both top front teeth to loose and our sweet girl, five, growing tall and over pink and purple and princesses, ready to start Kindergarten in the fall. I believe it to be a magical summer. A summer of love. One that I plan to cherish and hold close to my heart, as I know how quickly it will slip away, much like the sunset..amazing, bright and beautiful and gone in the blink of an eye.....can I cry now?

Our sweet little ship!

Today....

that is how my posts have been starting.

I guess because they each begin on a day.

But today is really this evening, an unusual time to post.

both sitting, typing in this new place of adulthood.

the child who needed a little extra love nestled in our bed

a hot water heater holding what will become our bath, with candles and a few cans of Le Croix

coffee maker is pre-set, lunch, pre-set

dishes done

laundry done

homework done

the sun is long set

and the dog is asleep

I am ready to sink peacefully into this tightly run sweet, little ship we have built.

It may have taken a while and it may be modest, but it is ours.
through and through and it is real and true and built on love and good intentions
and it feels damn good!

decorated by my darling daughter

walking in with faith

So, that hot yoga squeezed hot some lingering toxins I suppose.

One more excersize in patience, acceptance and trust.

allowing and trusting others to take care of me.

Going outside of myself for help

and realizing that I can not do it all on my own

sometimes, surrender mixed with patience allows things to compost and grow.

So, yes that bath of butterfly goo is on and I am in it, knowing what comes next

releasing resistance

and taking my medicine

with gratitude

Bikram yoga

HOT
very hot

by this I mean temperature hot. 105 degrees to be exact.

The first class on a Sunday morning. A packed class. Glad I was not by myself. The doors shut, the heat takes over, the unknowing takes hold, that sharp edge of panic takes over for a moment, then a stronger voice chimes in. It begins....and a flow, a pouring of sweat, a deep stretching follows.

Two days, later, sore and scared to return, I force myself to go alone. No turning back.

It felt not nearly a s hot

but beautiful and right and perfect.

Today on this full moon I welcom my new practice!

Thanksgiving in May

Today, I am thankful for so much.

A fresh new space to type,

the smell of coffee at 3:47 in the afternoon.

the promise of a fun-filled summer with amazing children

the gifts that keep rolling in with the adventure of each day.

I am thankful for my health and life and understanding.

I am thankful for the work and the wisdom and the most amazing gift of all in a partner who has shown up to do the work with me openly and honestly and courageously.

Today, I give thanks.....and head off to pick up my sweet kids, fresh coffee in hand, prepared for the chaotic love that will soon come bustling through these doors. I remain aware of my intention to parent mindfully, even if it is more work.....even if I lose it by 6:30, I will dust off my Mommy apron and try to re-phrase in a kind and productive manner......ha ha...so much fun!

The Day's Evolution

Today I have a space.

A gap if you will, in my day.

Sure, I could fill it with chores and things to do that seem reasonable, responsible, productive.

Isn't that what I do most days?

But today, I dare myself to not fill the gap, to just be, to see what the day provides.

To roll with it.

No guilt, no fear, no negativity.

Just some space to enjoy the peace and quiet.

To enjoy my life and my city and my house and my body, my health and good fortune, to experience the world around me. Just to watch it. Without an agenda.

To let the day evolve ahead of me.

Today

Today I sit

in silence

which is not really silent anymore.

It is rich with color

and impulses

that vaguely translate

but loosely,

Like a thin, sheer fabric that is barely touching your skin as it blows in the breeze, allowing you to see what is on the other side as it dances to the rhythm of the wind.


I sit with awareness.

a filter, if you will, for all thoughts

knowing that they are simply that,

thoughts.




I feel far away now, from becoming them or allowing them to become me.

And, once in a while I decide to remember my prior way of being, I may even try it on, like a suit or a costume. It is awkward and feels empty and hollow, like a shell with no one living in it.

Sometimes, it is good to return to that which you came from to remind you of how far you've come. To remind you why those ways no longer serve you. To remind you of the common experiences of so many in order to allow compassion over outrage. To remember that it is all a process.

And that may be the practice of being in the now, not wanting more, just being and seeing the complexity and simplicity at the same time.

And, as so often happens after finding this place of understanding, I will be squashed, reduced to the goo of the butterfly, to remember again how to transform within the cocoon. I am ready, and know as I type this to hold on, the next conraction is close and it will be powerful and it will be productive and so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes.

reminder to self

I vow to drop down to that place.

Still, peaceful knowing

and hold on with both hands

bringing it up with me, firmly in my grasp and to carry it around with me until I realize that I am that all-ways

The Joy of Being

Riding waves

and stopping to check the view from the crest of a really beautiful one.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that all of that hard work is paying off.

Being true to one's gut instincts

even when it looks messy and seems too hard

too complicated.

The payoff is the freedom of being.

No undoing

just being

with arms wide open

eyes wide open

heart wide open,
trusting that intuition is smart and in the driver's seat.

shhhh

All of a sudden, the sweet, rhythmic swish, swish of the washing machine is as soft as a new, fresh, clean blankie on a tiny bed, ready to cuddle up to. Suddenly, I see the connection.

I think I will just listen to it for a while.....

Meditation

This new study.
Sitting daily for 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes.
It takes a while for the thoughts to slow.
Glimpses of quiet, a slow rocking, dissapearing.

a feeling of softening, of shifting, then back to the body, the mind,

then back to that floaty place.
an occasional instruction from that which is not of the mind.

A foot asleep, a hip that is sore, then breath, only breath.

The result,.... a happy, calm peaceful, fully present Mother to pick up her whirling children from school. I can not wait to sit today.

Easter Sunday

Glassy morning eyes open to the color of easter eggs. sugar and chocolate and two amazing children playing in their parents bed as they let the sugar rush slow. Joyful and carefree, just as it should be!

The arrivial of a task

I fear not this challenge.

this interesting study of the mind.

The practice within the practice.

The forceful nudge to grow.

Am I on my toes?

Always beautifully tested.

Feeling the irritation and returning to the red balloon.

Pulling the string gently back down so that it rests in the proper place.

Not drifting off in to mind land, but exisiting only in present being.

If I am suddenly forced to say good-bye to something,this is one thing I would choose, I suppose.

Making me stronger and wiser and more resilient.

Understanding challenge and pushing through.

My Love

One step at a time, she said

One sweet step at a time.

What did I realize on my walk today?

That you can not make a flower bloom.

You can plant the seed and watch it grow, in it's own sweet and perfect time.

And how beautiful it is to watch a flower that has been loved from it's seedling state and watched patiently open up and meet the sunshine with joy. To watch it bring bright, beautiful color to the earth, a gift indeed.

Monday

Beautiful clean sweep to start a new week.

Watching the cycles as they overlap and welcoming the fun, easy week to come.

Stillness amid chaos.

Excitement at progress.

Being

Enjoying such simple pleasures at the children's LOVE of a fresh, new space that it theirs to occupy.

Each thing appreciated. One by one.....learning the gifts of simplicity, the gift of just being in and appreciating where I am in each given moment. Writing helps that a lot. I feel that tingly flow as I type. An affirmation of it's importance. A way for information to come in. By words, numbers, images. I am open to it all and give thanks for the presence and magic.

I love my life!

The Painting Day

Rain
Paint
Music
Peace
Beauty
Streaming in
and on to
my canvas!

The Complex Balance

Today I feel renewed

In my flowered skirt

a new intention and a new vision complete.

I try to explain and share, watching it wash over in tiny droplets.

Today, I feel alive. Present

Ready to explore the worlds inbetween.

Enjoying Peace of mind and clarity

Sureness

and deep, deep gratitude for this journey.

The Nap

On the couch, with laundry folded waiting to be put away.

I allow myself this time to rest and respect my body's screaming need for another hour or two of rest today.

That moment of surrender.

grabbing a pillow and pulling up the fuzzy couch blanket over myself, fetal position.

Closing my eyes in the middle of the day.....

upon awaking I remember how, when I was pregnant I would nap, deeply

how when my babes were new I would nap with them, sweetly

how when they were two I would wait for them to nap, thankfully

and now, in my new time to myself, I too need a nap

maybe to make up for all of those days with none.

but I cherish it and today, say "thank you" to myself for allowing the quiet to prevail

to believe that I deserve it

to sweetly wrap myself up and say thank you to my body for all that it has done.

For all that it will do.

cycle ride

the power of breath.

the sound of the washing machine in the distance.

preparing to walk the dog,

my mental list

my awareness of my body....tired, sluggish but kind to itself

aware that as part of this intense cycle I will feel tired for about two more days

and then release,

then my favorite week...creative, juicy, optimistic,

then flow,

then back into caution, however next cycle will be more gentle, it is every other one that rocks me.

But, it is this knowing and awareness that keeps it from consuming me, becoming me.

Remembering that I am riding a wave and that there is a pattern to it all, a function

I am slow and easy today.

listening to what I need, water, stillness within the movement,

can you feel the disjointedness of this writing. That flow that I love so well, is lost on me today, but that is ok, because I know it is on it's way and I find joy in that sweet anticipation!

much better

One emotional roller coaster ride, one migraine and 2 excedrin later I am a new woman!

Thank you to the shamanic powers of pain killers.

I am ready for a fabulous, magical weekend!

approach with caution

One officially unannounced session of overactive hormonal sobbing complete.

Trying to find the lesson........

Hoping that it moved with it any and all toxins of the previous moon so that I may return to my happy, joyful, easy place. Whew...do not underestimate the power of a hormone!

Thank You

Thank you for this time today

for the awareness

for the feather

for the good sense to put myself where I want to be

for a l-o-n-g day

for the courage to wonder

for the unwavering belief

for the invitation

for the sunshine

for the peace

for the table full of books telling me, yes this is where you are supposed to be

for the gifts and the talent

for the flow

for my friends

for my family

for this blood flowing through my veins

for the choice

to be happy

for the choice

to choose love

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Thank you for the practice!

I love you.

the practice

Creation

a slow present practice

a flow experience

being one

within the process


this is why I should not think when writing or painting

or living...really

being is so much better

when I am alone, I get there quickly, easily

but my practice is to find that place with distractions

to practice being in all situations

while I know this intellectually all of the time, I am learning to practice it more and more

I suppose that is why it is called a practice

The moving of heavy things

It begins that tickle in the throat

things that need to be said

even hard things

true things

rough things to hear

ugly things that have been carried around and need to land where they belong

put down

and cleared

allowed to exit

through that energetic passage of words

powerful words

that shift things and change things

words

create situations and diffuse them

words that shape our experiences and our realities

they can move heavy things

releasing them

leaving behind a rush of adrenaline which reminds of how powerful they were.

Stinging in the air, sitting there, hovering

with the potential to play over and over

doing any good?

I know not, but be sure of one thing....

they are no longer mine, they reside not within me

I have put them where they belong and my throat returns to health

The foundation has been poured with concrete for good boundaries and I reside safely within it's walls

Monday Morning Awakes Aware

The layers pile up

one

by one

sifting and sorting, creating a boundary

illusions

project themselves upon the walls

changing from ugly to beautiful

dancing in the light

challenges arise, like a constant stream of pebbles being pelted

duck.....to the left

then to the right

handle them well

be strong and unwavering

and watch as the issues remain theirs

you are not porous to the outside

you create your own beauty

you are one step ahead of yourself

that part of you that floats.

life is complicated and layered

and the more you understand

the more responsibility you wield

and the greater the gifts,

the more astonishing the beauty

this world is a multi-layered, simple, complex organism

and I am honored and humbled to be here now

The Present

A good swift run in the morning

a trip to the store to buy the fixings for a beautiful meal

a two hour session for me

a drive out to country to play with the cousins in a big pile of dirty goodness

an amazing house that has seemed to grow from a seed planted long ago

a celebration of the hard work that leads to beauty and

the bravery the allows love to blossom

the gift of being present in this life!

Spring Break for Me!

Today, the Thursday before my kids are home for a week of spring break
(which I am really looking forward to!)

I am taking an afternoon for myself. I am pushing through any feelings of guilt and going to the beach by myself for the afternoon.

This was the suggestion of my amazing wife who, thought that it would be a good idea for me to have some relaxation before the kids break began. Thank you for the suggestion babe! I'm sure it will be a very beautifully long and glorious three hours at the beach.

How lucky am I that I can just hop over to the beach....
that I have a supportive wife who thinks I deserve such time for myself
that I will allow this joy into my life
that today is a perfect, perfect day for the beach!

Peace.

Today I will write about all things good.
Trying this new way of keeping my mind positive and abundant.

Things that I did today that are good:

1. Ate a healthy breakfast
2. Was a sweet mother
3. Remembered the dance tuition check
4. Helped my son with homework
5. Let the dog ride in the car on the way to school
6. Helped a friend
7. Bought tickets to a concert for a fun date night
8. Did a killer workout
9. Took the dog for a walk
10. Managed a nasty situation with grace
11. Appreciated the butterflies
12. Planned a playdate for my kids
13. Took care of paperwork
14. Ate some greek yogurt
15. Did some marketing research
16. Helped my wife with her website
17. Was open to receiving
18. Took the time to write this post.

Nice, it is only 12:15!

Opening to the Flow

Interestingly enough, my own words allowed me to do just that.
Go forth into my fear.
Magic happens.

Doing the right thing at the right time will grace you with abundance, flow, magic, magic so big you can't deny it.

Thank you Universe for a perfect weekend. I'll take more of that please!

I love it when that happens

Finding Joy

in tiny things may be the trick to it all.

Really slowing down and being...I have said it 100000000000 times and still I find myself stuck once in a while.

Then I remember to be underneath it all

As I write this the sun tries to shine through, reminding me it is there.

Now, in this quick moment I am excited to walk the dog. To find beauty in the reflections in the puddles.

Wonder in the gray...thick clouds

All the while hearing the birds, who may be quieter than on the sunniest of days but are singing beautiful songs none the less.

God is all ways present

you just have to look

even, deep into the gray

and find that glimmer of connection within yourself, and the blood begins to flow awake within your veins and you have consciousness within your eyeballs and you give thanks for your health and you fingers and toes and knees that work, your organs and mind and heart and suddenly you ARE just in the gift of love and beauty and divine oneness as trite as that sounds it is there, beneath the boredom and worry and judgement. It is the real stuff of who we are. And now, I vow to go honor it as I walk my dog on this dreary, beautiful Friday.

rainy day

So, I went for the ride! A beautiful flow filled ride...for a couple of days anyway.
It was beautiful, expansive and magical.

Today, it is raining. I feel better now after a hot bath, nap, painting which I haven't done in a while. Of course there was lots of laundry, a dog walk, and light housework thrown in.

I don't love the rain, the gray days . I know this and am prepare to return to my pre-exsisting blissful state when the sun comes out again on Saturday or Sunday. I try to find sunshine in the gray days,,,,,,,but it is hard. So I give in sometimes, just being in it.

Well, my creative juice is low.....I think I will head out to get a coffee and sit in public and enjoy being out alone for a while before I pick up my sweet kids and begin the wild afternoon, homework, dinner, bath, bedtime part of the day.

Money, Sweat & Ginseng

Yesterday was the day,

I awoke from some sort of Shamanic nap

A new person of sorts

Filled with clear directives.

Put $100 in your wallet

Go for a run

Get some Ginseng.....then take it.

I did all of the above and feel as if each tiny particle of myself has changed, lightened, transformed.

Ahhhhh

Remembering to ask!

Bring it!

That's all I have to say.

The money

The joy

The fun

I am aware.....I do the work

lots of love

blessings

respect

consideration

challenge...................on and on and on................now,

I am ready for that flow...

the kind that is big and huge

and makes you stand in disbelief of how good it is.

I am ready for more of the good

more of the great

believing I deserve it,

not feeling bad about wanting it.

I am owning it

arms open wide.....come on universe...let it rain down beauty so big that I am thrown up into the

sky exploding in a million ions of pure joy and gratitude.

I am asking for you to bring it!

and as a good friend of mine always says "I can take it!"

The magic of the moon

Today on this New Moon....I wait for an intention to show

I wait for the living blood to show.

I am patient with my mood, I recognize it's doom as a wave.

I allow it wash over me, knowing that it will take with it all of the doubt and worry and negativity of the last cycle, leaving a fresh clean slate upon which to play.

I welcome it all as I respect the play of the moon, the tides, the swirling irritability, the sore weight in my breasts.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to sit, quietly and imagined a red tent drawn tight over my head, inside and quiet with my sisters of the moon.

Then, I ignored the voice that told me I was lazy and not doing enough. The one that called me irresponsible and made my stomach feel flabby and unattractive.

I ate butter and chocolate and noodles with more butter. I ate a corned beef sandwich with coleslaw and rye bread because I needed it.....

I forgave my state and thanked it for whatever it was showing me.

That just continued to piss me off, but it was ok.

Today, I get ready to do yoga, care for this swirly body.

Tonight, I get ready to sit with my sisters in a circle, knowing that many of us are on that cycle....maybe I will set up a tent.

Maybe I will just serve chocolate and red wine and smile at the warmth of the circle.....and dance under the absence of the moons glow as we danced under it's fullness. Celebrating it, wherever it is in it's cycle and giving thanks for it's gifts, it's history and it's magical, powerful properties.

The simplicity ~ joy equation

A beautiful day...

coffee with a good friend,

getting into the earth and the life that grows abundantly around our home,

nice meal on the stove,

old pots with old plants making new,

children playing hard,

learning & loving

a date night on the horizon,

life is good!

all on the tip of your tounge

And here it is....

the wind,
the flow,
the consciousness in between thoughts.

Becoming still and feeling the movement swirl around me.

The truth, honesty, waves of emotion

No different than the wind.

Becoming attuned to the smallness of life.

Tiny moments

Clarity and understanding for moments

the work

the dance..the great orchestration that is this life experience.

you grasp it, and it is gone like grains of sand

like water

like wind

all on the tip of your tounge

Grumps

Oh, and then there are those grumpy days.

The blah and icky ones.

They are never too bad or too long though.

A nice reminder of why I love the clean, clear beautiful ones so much!

I'll take one of those tomorrow please.

Gratitude & Love

Gratitude.

One of the most powerful ways to connect to my heart.

Small, quiet moments of true gratitude for small, quiet things.

That has allowed my heart to explode with light.

Mini fireworks sessions that let off small sparkes throughout the day.

Faith in the darkness.

The kind of faith that allows me to feel fear and push through it,

knowing that I will come through

trusting that I am here for a reason

a good reason

as we all are

even if it is only to learn the lesson of gratitude.

I walk away smiling.

Full Moon

In the light of the moon.

I am surrounded

by

joy

gratitude

trust

and friendship

healed

renewed

loved!

READY TO ENJOY THE FUN.

ready to be one.

Ready to dance in the light of the sweet Full Moon of January!

The Perfect Sunday

Happy Kids
Happy Moms
Free Play for kids
Free Play for Moms
Sunshine abundant
Love abundant
Beautiful day
Beautiful dinner
Peacful
&
Soul...full
Thank you for all of the simple gifts of life & family!

sculpture

As I prepare to write I imagine words tumbling out, like supplies for a sculpture. I dig into my stash and muck around until inspiration hits and then it all seems to come together. One piece inspiring another. A small fleck of glitter reminding me to use light. The lack of glue encouraging thick, sticky tape that has been in a drawer for far too long. The tape dictates the height, the height dictates the balance. Then, I twirl it around on the table, stepping back, then moving back in, squinting at my work. Thinking, then not. Rustling around for the last element, the topper to the tree, the final statement. And there it is, still and complete. I stand and leave the room to refill my mug of coffee. Glad to have made something for the day.

2011

As I return to this place of creative expression, I feel calm and excited. A place to lay my thoughts, to return to the kernel of creativity that dwells within me.

I find myself in this new year, humbled and slowed down with a fierceness. So slowed down that I am interested in spelling correctly. That may be the theme that has emerged. "Taking really good care of what is in place." QUALITY

Not adding anything prematurely. Remaining in a space of wonder and releasing any self judging thoughts.

As I have been slowed by illness, twice, and forcefully, I have learned to give myself the same respect and room for care as I do my family, or my car for that matter. If it breaks, I fix it as a matter of routine without resistance. Why not for myself. I am surely as worthy as my minivan! I have begun to be open to help. A theme that showed up this past summer...."opening from my heart to receive" this joined with the force of the wind was powerful and life changing.

No longer will I allow myself to be in suffering of any kind.

I acknowledge challenge and face it head on knowing that the lessons are what bring the beauty. I will appreciate the times of flow, knowing that it is all temporary and will shift like the cycles of the moon (and often times with it).

I am moving everything into a place of harmony.

Practically, keeping a clean home, a functional, orderly, fun and loving place to be with my family. Being happy with all that I have and caring for it with love and respect. Knowing that all will come in it's own time.


My work will all stem from one place, I will not be divided physically and I will sit in my yard and marvel at the beauty that surrounds me...I will be where I am.

I am so excited for this life and feel a huge wave of fresh air moving in!

As I let go of 2010 and all of it's valuable lessons and growth, I open my arms up to receive this new, bright year. Let another ring grow on the tree of this life.