dust

Remembering the stuff of paint
the struggle to paint
the images emerging, then fading away
remembering how hard it is to paint
so 2 hour incriments seem enough for now
fingernails covered in paint
dusty from the studio
eyes crossed agian.
that is a testmet to doing it right
until your eyes are crossed and you are so hungry
you need to come home

In the night

coming into the end of a day
the start of the evening
skylight fades
and stillness threatens to consume
gentler thoughts then were thrashing around
in the time of the afternoon
hush begins to settle in
heart rates relax
eye lids begin to lower
and the space between awake and asleep collide.
That silver, liquid space that has all of the awareness of sleep but a foot firmly planted in the awake state
not here nor there
maybe everywhere
and then we fall into that mind space that is floaty and fuzzy and fits together unconventionally
A tiny memory trail resides whether we see it or not.
each night we gather new information and awake understanding more than we did the day before.

The Ranch

A small house in the woods
only 40 minutes from home
horses roaming freely
we make friends with them
feeding them carrots and fresh green apples
majestic peacocks roam and meow like cats
a big fire pit, smokey and full
exploring galore
a pack of dogs with puppies and nursing Mama dogs run around and stop by once in a while
we work on the house
stop to eat
take a hike
continue.
dirty, dirty fingernails
burrs stuck everywhere
a morning ride on the john deer over the dirt path into the expansive open woods
purple flowers burst up into the green
my children holdings hands, balancing on a fallen tree
picture perfect
then the clan returns
loud and rough
playing horseshoes, shooting clay pigeons, pop pop breaks up the wind
drinking beer from the largest cooler one can imagine
family and bratwust, burgers and hot dogs
burnt marshmellows for dessert
the stuff dreams are made of
my son running around in fatigues with an army canteen and boots and a camo hat that were given to him. The oldest grandson who gets to try it all out first.
fishing in the steam with his Pappy
happy as can be
a ride up the road takes us to visit the farm
my daughter cuddles a one day old chick in her hand
the cowboy who runs the farm tells her she can keep it if she wants.
"We'll keep it out here, at the ranch" says Mommy
There are chickens and hens
then on to the cows
we walk right into the field with them
mooing away
they just hang out there
just to roam
stars so bright and many
how did we get here
I ask?
We are tired and spend from our fist weekend at the ranch.
There's a whole new world to explore
a gift that has fallen into our lap
we are happy and grateful
and due to take a good, long, hot, bath
back in the city.

first weekend out

Off to the land
new roaming space
big space
ancient wisdom
bones and wind and sky and air untouched
unplugged
happy relaxation deep meditation
family connection, transformed and blooming
growing love from the seeds of love
beautiful blond flowers running aroung the ground
out there
unwashed hair
and cowgirl coffee

evolution

There are things that I know
Also things that I know
but I don't know I know them.

I am surprised every time it happens

those psychic dreams

not much more satisfying, comforting or reassuring then that

It's that electronic connection
the kind that can't be denied

even when you walk around with all of those well formed concious beliefs
then you fall asleep one night and wake up with a memory of an experience that is so relevant and not of your waking brain.

It's like..BAM... you're on, you're in the flow

and that is where I'm striving to be.

So when those thoughts of same images roll in line even in different time zones

Or situations play out using coded letters that don't mean anything until you tell the story

Remember that it is all to remind you of that great big thing you are a part of that is so much bigger then this human experience. As magnificant as it is, humanity is only part of your story.
Only the form...it is the energy that is you that can morph and transform. When we regocognize that energy and allow it to be us anything is possible.

So here is to dreams that are on

and the evolution of electronic communication....

Deleriouso

My eyes are cross eyed from painting
That has not happened for a while
two hours in a quiet space with only art to make
I can hardly type my eyes are deleriously happy from guiding my hands to the brush
brush to paint
brain to color
dip into water
wipe on shorts
brush
paint
wooden panels on the walls
next to a big beautiful open window showing blue skies palm trees cool breeze
natural light to paint from
always the best
this one caught me off guard
no time for wanting even
thought preceeds action
wow
here I am
in my answer to what would be my dream?
powerful shit
for a simple day in F L A

Studio Space

Walking up the steps to the space where I learned to paint.
Old
Grungy
Termite ridden
Now there are pigeons in the building too.
But oh the glory
my old paintings on the walls
like an underground museum
a new space
that when I walked in was painted the same blue I just painted my living room.

motivation
inspiration

I have a studio!
my own space to create

I am so happy

will be there tomorrow

painting away

Monday Morning Spew 2

This time...
this time it will be different
or this time it will just be
I will watch as an observer
I will stand still for a moment with no thought
only pause
then action
pause action pause action
no thinking ahead or behind
no wondering of thought
no chitter chatter of the mind
slow
intutition
watching
watching the rolling of the ball
the force of gravity
remembering to appreciate all of that wild natural law
attraction
etc.
the simple splash of liquid into a cup
the blending swirl of cream into my coffee.
These events are great enough.
observed, they provide total fufillment
so that when you move forward into your day
you have already experienced and appreciated greatness, wonder, awe
at such a simple thing.
then you try to repeat it.
blend that beautiful curl of the cream with a brush and some white paint.
feeling the power of creating by twisting the brush, adjusting the pressure.
recognizing that one stroke of intution is the same random chance that makes the swirl different each day.
Taking the time to pause is so powerful and so scary
not yet fully valued in this culture.
but the days of crazy fast speed
everything instant are coming to an end
we may wake up and recognize our self-made insanity
take a deep, long breath and watch the magic come out as we exhale
how are we not in total awe everyday?
simply because we are moving WAY to fast.

total stream

Big purple blobs
are swinging down
teasing the landscape
trying to get in.
The beeping of voicemail
the cutting of a toenail
the excuses
and the rubber stopper on a shoe
tap-dancing
and fringe
with lace
and state troopers
oranges by the case
loads of books
fishing hooks
wooden docks
dirty socks
the chamelion
changes color agian
I'm spinning
and writing in an abyss
changing
morphing and turning so quickly
rapid fire
release
continue to shock
drop
stop
on and on
then running wildly
through my mind
continue
stop

on the orange chair

Sometimes there are little people about.
even after bedtime.
even when you're ready to get on the computer.

Sometimes you just tell them to sit on the orange chair behind you until they are ready to go to bed.
You say "no talking please."

Sometimes the other Mama says"----"
actually, she starts to say something and you say, "we have an agreement."
"Oh," she says and goes to bed herself.

Then you start typing and you hear a tiny voice in a tiny polka dot nighty say "can you open this peas?" as she holds out a tiny pink silk purse.
Sometimes you say.."ok, but no talking". give a sweet smile and realize how happy you are and she is that tonight you both broke the rules. That while big brother is asleep in the top bunk she gets to sit on the orange velvet chair with her pink purse and the sandy beach blanket in total silence, contentment and peace.
Sometimes you have the awareness to go with the moment and see it's simple beauty and feel the pure joy of being a Mom and making a "good" choice.
Sometimes as you finish writing you hear a big yawn and know she is close so you just keep on typing imaging the feeling of being a little girl falling asleep to your Mom's random typing sounds when the rest of the house is silent.
Sometimes there is perfection.
when there are little people about.
even after their bedtime.
goodnight my love.

March. December ... who's counting?

Sometimes things fall right into place.
Like the second half of a big pot of chili
or the perfect moment to remember to give a gift.

These moments observed with clarity remind me to be patient.
To wait and see.
Things will happen in a perfect order if you let them.

Oh, If we could all just relax a bit.
even in a chaotic fury
have the peace of mind
that means just that
"peace of mind"

I'm off to deliver a half a pot of chili to my good, ill friend.
I made WAY too much for some reason and found the perfect spot for it to land.
and then remembered that I had her Christmas present still. But this was the time to give it!
So...get well soon Mama Roo and Merry Christmas.

new walls

Oh,
she said.
My walls are beautiful.
blue as the sea and deep as the sky
they have changed my mind and my home.
I do love these new walls.
A fresh, clean slate to witness all of our grownupness.
growing up children
growing up Mamas
happy forward moving tropical wind.
new reasons to make paintings
to sit and have an extra cup of coffee or linger on the couch just a while longer
while being swallowed up by that perfect color that
one that we crave
and go to the beach to get soaked up in
yes, that color of peace of calm
that everything is going to be alright, I know this because it is so beautiful out color.
Thank you Daddy B for bestowing upon us your mighty painting arms and clearing energy. We will be sure to fill the new room with light and love....and good food!

3 Goddesses

Have a happy day

beautiful morning
doors open
breeze blowing
children happy
coffee hot
lunches ready
good Monday
calm brain
rested body
open heart
happy day
simple things

. coming

Today is a day of gratitude
for feeling put back together
for trusting the allowingness of falling apart
for not holding it back
not freaking out
for letting the yuck rise up
wash over me
subside
and ALWAYS be replaced with that feeling of sunshine
hope
calm
for not trying to figure it out
for being real
which can get messy and awful feeling...
hmmm
I'm wondering if this post corresponds with the "hard conversations" one cycle wise?
It's feeling like the same post...rewritten
That is an interesting way to predict your cycle....just read your journal and expect the flow 5 days after your breakdown
Those are crazy little things, those hormones
glad we've got em'
glad I know that they are only veils
tHis is a funny freakin' post
have a beautiful Friday and a beautiful weekend
I intend to.

*ummm, yea.I checked..."emotional breakdowns"... 29 days apart..that's awesome

spaced out thoughts

Sometimes the inspiration is so great there are no words to write.


Quiet


Happy


Gratitude.


Utter


satisfaction.


are consuming

here I am

I am here
in the blue, blue sky
in the deep , dark dirt.
I am here
and I am not leaving.
I am here in the food that you eat
in the water you drink.
I am here
I am here in the wind and the sun
the rain and the frost and the snow
I am here in each cycle
each season
each moment
I am here if only you will feel me
trust me
know me
I am here in every moment
each blink of the eye
each word out your mouth
each day of sickness
each day of health
I am here in all moments
Become quiet and still and look as you may
there is no where that I am not

moon flow

In the sweet, dark hours of the night
a moon full
intentions realized
flow is in
for real

In the sweet, dark hours of the night
a heart full
intentions realized
milk flow is in
for real

Be Big

Be BIG
when life calls for it.
you have it within you
to grow into bigness
and badness
in the best sense of the word.
Like some tropical bird who sits quietly until it suddenly
open it wings to display an amazing array of color and glory and power
even bigger when the wings lift
it up into sky
closer to sun
stunning everyone with it's glory
and ability to fly so high
so fast
so far
so brilliantly
Be BIG
when life calls for it
and bask in your beauty
your strength your power
and rise towards the sun.

One Perfect Sunday

One Perfect Sunday Morning
is slowly unfolding.
Everything in proper place for a glorious day.
There is something about the rhythm of Sundays
Peaceful and Plentiful.
Let's give thanks for small miracles
and waking up on the best side of the bed!

silly one

Today I am wishing the wish
dreaming the dream
letting myself be as big as a bean
I'm hopping and jumping
and running through hoops
I'm happy and slappy
and've already cleaned up poop.
It's Friday and silly and squishy at best
It's sunny
I love that
I had a good rest
I'm thinking bout coffee
I'm thinking bout lunch
I'm feeling a breeze blow in the door a whole bunch
It's wonderful times here on ave cocoanut
but the computer off I will shut
and that rhymed about as much as my butt

hot chili

hmmmmmm
here I am
choosing to write in red.
bold type
I am ready
I am here
I have a bowl full of chili heating in the microwave
It is beeping and ready to be eaten
I am hungry
I think I'll go eat it
because it keeps beeping at me

from lumps of clay

I have 3 new goddess friends
they sit upon my window
under the purple bulb of knowing that twirls and hangs in the sun
They just showed up from lumps of clay
came into form for me
I gave them honor in a special place
I love them
everytime I look up in the window I see them and they remind me that they are there
always
watching
knowing
holding space for me
everything is different now
their presence is constant
and comforting
and oh so
very
real

So There

Oh Yes
I am so there
riding high today
yesterday I had to pause, say SHIFT
from grumpy and worry.
I actually made myself smile, and sing and it worked!
I shifted
I changed the thought pattern
I did not surrender to a shitty day
I became happiness
I squeezed it out of wherever it would come.
It really is a freaking choice.
I've said it a gazilliuon times
but yesterday
it went into practice
that is what I am talking about
not just "getting it" intellectually but putting that knowledge into action
and it is hard work
....there it is...the hard work
oh, I love it when thoughts gel like that
so anyway...where was I...
oh, yes...putting the knowledge into action and actually enforcing the ideas and concepts
it is hard work but it is incredibly freeing
and really makes you feel like you have wings
huge empowerment
like the bird...the soaring
after the crazy hard flapping of the wings...the soaring happens...
wow, I am so happy about this
that's what this time is for
ahhhhh
I'm going for my walk over the bridge to hang in the stratusfere.
nice
very nice

Monday morning spew

Good Morning
bright and cool
A Monday....full of to-do's
a list...not so long
not so imperative
just there to fill the hours
pass the time
make me feel productive
rolling forward into the next adventure
the next saga, next drama
unsure of where to go
what to do
who to be.....naaaaa
I'm just figuring out how to be where I am
to know that I am doing enough
of exactly what is needed of me.
Relaxing into happiness
and ready for whatever hardwork shows up
but only if it fills me
only if it is exciting
only if it is worth the energy that I carry around.
You see.... that is precious
the gift
I feel a duty to spend it with great intention
not out of any obligation
or feeling of should.
I am no good to anyone else if I am not filled up
tall with bright yellow light
and I am the only one in charge of how that goes
how it rolls
how it takes form in this space
back and forth
back and forth back and forth
my internal tennis match
I will try to stop it.
it is exhausting and long and boring and not even entertaining
although I suppose it is giving me some good exersize.
All of a sudden I am aware that you are reading this... hmmm wonder what it is coming out like...cause it blows through me so fast and without processing.
I guess that is one of the first steps...to letting that authentic self flow...like rapids and trust that no one is going to drown.
That's a big block for a Monday morning...maybe I'm just procrstinating
the list is just in front of me.
waiting to be crossed off.
happy week to you all

Sunday Morning Evolved

The ease of Sunday.
happy scones warm from the oven
tea in tiny tea cups
singing around the table
each of us present
knowing that this time is special
thinking only of that circle we have created
around our sweet family table.