Well here. I am. I AM. 6 years later. Still the same me. Still the same thoughts and practices but circling around. Back to myself to re-evaluate, re-examine. Again. I find the writing faster than the painting. The creativity so portable and personal. Though linear. But I do appreciate typing these keys keys for me. Seems appropriate  to make the connections more easily since I am typing by day. Sending data. Translating thoughts through keys and letters and phonics and then sending them through space to other translator  boxes. For other eyes to see and interpret  and process and digest. Whew...did I need to get away from that shit show. That mudslinging circus that we have become a part of. No elements of self protection can guard you from the back alley that social media has become. It steals you from yourself under the guise of connectedness. At least this is my present truth with it. For sure there are benefits and pleasantries and cute babies and kittens sprinkled in but the social experiment has run amuck and I am content to sit back and recalibrate. Sharing with my own damn self. Looking at my own damn posts. Right here in the empty hall that provides expression un fucked with. black and white. Clean and crisp. quiet. and mine. simple and lovely.liquid

Back to it

Well here I am. Back in this place of recording. Yes, like an empty hallway. Where I am the only one to make the noise. The only one to hear the echo. My words ache to be written, to stand somewhere. To be seen. But maybe only by the emptiness of this old screen. Maybe only by me. A record. An ancient tablet. Some old wisdom rising up into the privacy of a writing temple. One where wisdom spills. Without the comments or likes or scrolling. All of that fight or flight creating a huge snowball of anxiety. I needed a break. A return to center. To life. To this forgotten page. I am almost amazed that something this simple still exsists. Thank you God for the simplicity of this. It is so nice to write here.

Twice

okay
So night two. Day two.
Does anyone even blog anymore?
I feel as though I am writing in some abandoned hallway.
A place that people used to frequent but is empty and damp.

A cool, quiet place. Tucked away. Not so visible.

Yes, that's just about right.
Good night.

Begin Again

The space that exists between this writing and the last

Vast

But tiny

I am refreshed to read my own words

Calmed by my former awareness

Confident that the return to this practice will be good

Good

Nice

Familiar

A continuation of a long thread of knowledge

I have been hungry to create

The word is faster than paint

Less drying time

Less set up

Oh but how I long to paint

Saving up the impulses for the day when there is

Long

Sweet

Quiet

Uninterrupted space

And it will be so beautiful

But for now, this is just right.

Perfection in words

My tiny phone screen a canvas

The hastily typed words a sketch

The craving to leave a mark satisfied

Ahhhh, I return to the liquid pen.

To a blog whose name I could not remember.

Here you are friend. 

Frozen in time 

And full of wisdom.

I return to your pages

Happy

And full.

Clear Space

There is nothing like clearing and changing your space to bring about renewal of the spirit. Sometimes in Spring, Sometimes in Fall, sometimes the New Year. Whatever the occasion, it is a great gift to give yourself. One that requires focus and energy but costs nothing and will make you and your house very happy indeed!.....So to my kids room and my living room, I say , thank you and your welcome...and I can't wait to hang out in your gracious, healing, calming space ...and to send my children to bed and to play in a clean, clear, joyful place.

I love my sweet, little, perfect home!

Oh, Here I am

Hi.

Here I am.

Back from the dizzy spin of summer.

Fabulous, sweet, wonderful in so very many ways....and totally shocking to my system which had become used to still, peaceful time in which I could care for my home and self and a stillness in which I could actually hear myself, feel myself, see myself.

So, we return to the sweet, sweet rhythm of the school year. Something I am understanding now in a deep way. The children were so ready. They are so happy to have their own space as well. Their own friends and identities. Their own battles to figure out without the shadow of a mother over their shoulder. The pride that comes with that.

I am recovering from an end of summer ass kicking and I finally feel like a human with full capacity to breathe in all ways. I am so excited for all that I will learn this school year. So happy with my life. It is like I emerged from the salty swim of summer to realize that I live on a really, really rockin' beach, with one hell of a view. I feel ready to run around with my hands in the air screaming with joy at the life I have created. I am so very happy to be here and so filled with gratitude!

Namaste

Summer Mom

I take a quick moment to be here. With myself. and am grateful and full and connected. Yes, I still exist...and await my return to long hours of meditation.....until then...hot summer fun with sweet, loving children!

New Moon

A clean house, and relaxed mind as I enter into the flurry of this afternnoon. It feels like it has been a while since I grounded myself properly. Well, it feels good and on this new moon I guess that will be my intention....to care for myself as well as I care for my family this summer!

home

Nothing like walking in to your home bone tired and collapsing.

Especially when you LOVE your sweet, home!!!

Thank you house, thank you home...now off to dream land for a good 10 hours in our cozy bed!

almost here

stripes of color....pink, blue, yellow

a true flow, no thought here.....wondering what will appear

what will surface in this empty, white page.

I am excited at the prospects of playing with what I have built.

Spending time with these sweet people that arrived.

Grown, with their own ideas and opinions and experiences to share.

I delight to watch their faces light up as I give them my full attention.

The irony in this is that as I typed that last line, I was called, twice, loudly and then looked up to find two children in the doorway, far past bedtime, interrupting my idyllic post about them. How very funny is that?

Perfect now, that I sit in a pint sized wooden chair at their doorway as I finish typing. The glow from my laptop becoming the night light.

The dog is barking outside, so loudly there is no chance of slumber and I surrender...I think of that new book that has taken parents by storm ...you know the one...go the f#&* to sleep. The one that would be offensive to pregnant first timers.. and absolutely hysterical to seasoned, exhausted vetrans.

I am so grateful for it all and really, I am looking forward to this summer with all of it's sides...sweet, fun, exhusting, infuriating, beautiful, hot, sandy and long...I embrace this year...the summer that our boy is 7, still both top front teeth to loose and our sweet girl, five, growing tall and over pink and purple and princesses, ready to start Kindergarten in the fall. I believe it to be a magical summer. A summer of love. One that I plan to cherish and hold close to my heart, as I know how quickly it will slip away, much like the sunset..amazing, bright and beautiful and gone in the blink of an eye.....can I cry now?

Our sweet little ship!

Today....

that is how my posts have been starting.

I guess because they each begin on a day.

But today is really this evening, an unusual time to post.

both sitting, typing in this new place of adulthood.

the child who needed a little extra love nestled in our bed

a hot water heater holding what will become our bath, with candles and a few cans of Le Croix

coffee maker is pre-set, lunch, pre-set

dishes done

laundry done

homework done

the sun is long set

and the dog is asleep

I am ready to sink peacefully into this tightly run sweet, little ship we have built.

It may have taken a while and it may be modest, but it is ours.
through and through and it is real and true and built on love and good intentions
and it feels damn good!

decorated by my darling daughter

walking in with faith

So, that hot yoga squeezed hot some lingering toxins I suppose.

One more excersize in patience, acceptance and trust.

allowing and trusting others to take care of me.

Going outside of myself for help

and realizing that I can not do it all on my own

sometimes, surrender mixed with patience allows things to compost and grow.

So, yes that bath of butterfly goo is on and I am in it, knowing what comes next

releasing resistance

and taking my medicine

with gratitude

Bikram yoga

HOT
very hot

by this I mean temperature hot. 105 degrees to be exact.

The first class on a Sunday morning. A packed class. Glad I was not by myself. The doors shut, the heat takes over, the unknowing takes hold, that sharp edge of panic takes over for a moment, then a stronger voice chimes in. It begins....and a flow, a pouring of sweat, a deep stretching follows.

Two days, later, sore and scared to return, I force myself to go alone. No turning back.

It felt not nearly a s hot

but beautiful and right and perfect.

Today on this full moon I welcom my new practice!

Thanksgiving in May

Today, I am thankful for so much.

A fresh new space to type,

the smell of coffee at 3:47 in the afternoon.

the promise of a fun-filled summer with amazing children

the gifts that keep rolling in with the adventure of each day.

I am thankful for my health and life and understanding.

I am thankful for the work and the wisdom and the most amazing gift of all in a partner who has shown up to do the work with me openly and honestly and courageously.

Today, I give thanks.....and head off to pick up my sweet kids, fresh coffee in hand, prepared for the chaotic love that will soon come bustling through these doors. I remain aware of my intention to parent mindfully, even if it is more work.....even if I lose it by 6:30, I will dust off my Mommy apron and try to re-phrase in a kind and productive manner......ha ha...so much fun!

The Day's Evolution

Today I have a space.

A gap if you will, in my day.

Sure, I could fill it with chores and things to do that seem reasonable, responsible, productive.

Isn't that what I do most days?

But today, I dare myself to not fill the gap, to just be, to see what the day provides.

To roll with it.

No guilt, no fear, no negativity.

Just some space to enjoy the peace and quiet.

To enjoy my life and my city and my house and my body, my health and good fortune, to experience the world around me. Just to watch it. Without an agenda.

To let the day evolve ahead of me.

Today

Today I sit

in silence

which is not really silent anymore.

It is rich with color

and impulses

that vaguely translate

but loosely,

Like a thin, sheer fabric that is barely touching your skin as it blows in the breeze, allowing you to see what is on the other side as it dances to the rhythm of the wind.


I sit with awareness.

a filter, if you will, for all thoughts

knowing that they are simply that,

thoughts.




I feel far away now, from becoming them or allowing them to become me.

And, once in a while I decide to remember my prior way of being, I may even try it on, like a suit or a costume. It is awkward and feels empty and hollow, like a shell with no one living in it.

Sometimes, it is good to return to that which you came from to remind you of how far you've come. To remind you why those ways no longer serve you. To remind you of the common experiences of so many in order to allow compassion over outrage. To remember that it is all a process.

And that may be the practice of being in the now, not wanting more, just being and seeing the complexity and simplicity at the same time.

And, as so often happens after finding this place of understanding, I will be squashed, reduced to the goo of the butterfly, to remember again how to transform within the cocoon. I am ready, and know as I type this to hold on, the next conraction is close and it will be powerful and it will be productive and so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes.

reminder to self

I vow to drop down to that place.

Still, peaceful knowing

and hold on with both hands

bringing it up with me, firmly in my grasp and to carry it around with me until I realize that I am that all-ways

The Joy of Being

Riding waves

and stopping to check the view from the crest of a really beautiful one.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that all of that hard work is paying off.

Being true to one's gut instincts

even when it looks messy and seems too hard

too complicated.

The payoff is the freedom of being.

No undoing

just being

with arms wide open

eyes wide open

heart wide open,
trusting that intuition is smart and in the driver's seat.

shhhh

All of a sudden, the sweet, rhythmic swish, swish of the washing machine is as soft as a new, fresh, clean blankie on a tiny bed, ready to cuddle up to. Suddenly, I see the connection.

I think I will just listen to it for a while.....